Dear Paul,
I know you are looking down at me while I am writing this. Smiling and laughing that I am doing the one thing we both know that I rarely do. Opening up and letting my feelings out.
In life and death, you are not just my son, you are also my hero.
In life you led by example. You were a loving, caring, mature 21-year-old with an old soul. You cared about others and would help someone in any way you could. Not once did you ever say look what I did, you would say, Dad there was someone who needed help, and I helped them without letting others know so they wouldn’t be embarrassed. You would donate time, items, and other resources to help those in need. Just like your old man.
You took care of me when I was having medical issues years ago. You would get up, make sure I took my medicine, cook breakfast, go to school, come home and make sure I had dinner and taking care of me all at the tender age of 15.
I remember how you kept taking care of me all the way up until your death.
It was just the two of us.
You would never let me give up. You always knew what to say when things were not good or when you could tell I was not doing good. I miss those pep talk speeches.
I remember there was times when you would use a speech from a movie and turn it to your own speech. Whatever I needed to hear, you had a knack to find out what was going on and knew what to say.
I miss the meals you would cook. You always knew what meal would be good for us. Especially what meal would be good for me after a long day or a long night.
I miss the conversations we would have about anything and everything. It was just not father-son conversations, but the best friends conversations that we would have.
If it was not for you in life, I would not be here writing this letter to you.
Thank you for taking care of me and pushing me to live and be better.
In death, you are not just my son, my hero, but you are also my guardian angel.
When I found out you had passed away, it broke me into a billion pieces. I could not talk, I could not move, I could not breath.
I remember that the only thing I needed was you. I ended up going to the bar and numbing the pain of losing of you. I ended up back at home and was up all night and right before I slept for thirty minutes, the last thing I saw was you with wings.
Ever since, you are the voice that guides me, the spirit that pushes me when I want to give up and the reason why I help people.
When things get bad or I don’t know what to do, I look up for your guidance. Even in death, you know what to say to me.
You know how much a pain in the rear you are and I know you are laughing and smiling right now. You know how much I do not like being pushed to do things. But if there is anyone who could get through to me, its you. Your guidance has helped me more than you know.
I know it took me years to even think of living. Well, with your help, I am trying to live son. Not as much as you want for me, but at least I am trying.
I know what you are saying to the other angels right now. You are saying,
“You see how stubborn my old man is, he thinks he is living. He thinks that he tries something new a few times, asks someone out once or twice, writes some articles and helps people do what he needs to do is living. What he needs to do is fully open up to that person he opened up to once, stop hiding and live life, stop being scared of the unknown and get back up and fight to win like he did when I was there with him.”
I know son. I felt that smack upside my head.
I will do better. I will be better. I will lead by example. I will get that life you want for me.
Thank you for taking care of me and pushing me to live and be better.
Paul, I love you and I miss you every second. You always have been and will be forever my guardian angel.
Forever my rock, forever my hero, forever my guardian angel, Forever my son.
Paul, I miss you and I Love you. Till we meet again.
Leave a Reply